Once again, this post shall be about myself.
Afterall, it will be about interpersonal communication, and there’s no better person to write about and illustrate the various situations faced than oneself, right? Unless you’re Matt Parkman or something…
This is a rather personal subject, but it will probably be the best example to use in this topic. Haha.
I had only a one-time experience of confessing to a girl I liked (duh!), or rather, I would call it ‘infatuated’…looking back at it now. And I did it the cowardly way: through the use of SMS (sorry for being a wimp).
Luckily for me then, it seemed that it was mutual, and so I was…er~, I forgot how I felt. Happy, I guess?
Then the weird thing happened.
I didn’t know what to do next. My mind was blank. (noob mah~)
Then for some reason, I began shunning the girl, just a few days. It was definitely not because I suddenly disliked the girl or anything. I don’t really know the reason even until now, but I believe it was because I didn’t know what to do.
And so, everything ended before anything started. LOL.
So you see, for the 10 steps in relational development, I went from Stage 1 to 2, then a little of 3, and then jumped straight to Stage 9 and 10. For those who have no idea of the 10 stages:
First 5 – Coming together
- Initiating, aka ‘jio’
- Experimenting, or flirt
- Intensifying, or confession, ‘going the extra mile’
- Integrating, aka ‘hao lian’ (in a positive way)
- Bonding, or tying the knot
Latter 5 – Coming apart
- Differentiating, or finding cracks liao
- Circumscribing, or ‘siam’
- Stagnation, or ‘sian’
- Avoiding (this is obvious)
- Terminating, or ‘Hasta la vista, baby’
As learned in the topic, some theorists suggested an intermediate process for Stages 4-7 called relational maintenance. So basically, I did not even got to go into this stage! *applaud for myself*
In my case, I guess Stage 3 of Intensifying is probably the most important stage to get a relationship going before you get to have the chance of maintaining it. Judging my past action in this mattter, I did not try to be aware of the other party, nor did I try to participate. There was definitely disclosure of feelings, albeit in a ridiculous way. But don’t even talk about physical contact…haha. I remembered even keeping a curious distance away when we had a group photo taken.
Simply 最低だよね (the worst, right), I was…? Or still am…? ＿｜￣｜O”‘
Well, this is my opinion after one encounter, so I like to take it with a pinch of salt. Or sugar. Or whatever. Hehe.
I do hope I get to advance to the maintenance stage next time…if there is A next time. LOL
But I believe this 10 stages are applicable as well on friendship and relationship within the family. Friendship will have these stages at a less in-depth level, while family ties would have the latter 5 stages in much, much more complicated manners.
Afterall, it’s still termed as interpersonal communication, not dating communication. 😀
OK, my thoughts are gone with the wind now…so I shall leave it as that. For now, I guess.
If I feel like revising this entry. 😛
Communication with a MavericK 
13 comments
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February 15, 2009 at 10:54 am
James
i was initially going to write on my own personal experience using the 10 steps of relational development but am glad i didnt do that LOL.
Yea i agree that these 10 steps apply not only to romance but also on friendship as well. for example when i first came to class, i dun go and say hi to every single stranger. it takes some time for me to open up to them.
February 15, 2009 at 2:02 pm
jadedsensibility
I really like the definitions for each ‘stage’ you came up with XD describes them all perfectly!
Intensifying is indeed the most important stage. It’s where both parties ascertain and communicate their interest in each other. It’s safe to say that without the intensifying stage, no relationship would ever come to be. Then again, like you stated in your post, even if you get to that stage but don’t follow up on it, the relationship will fall through. So I suppose each stage is important in the whole relational process.
Good luck with getting to the maintenance stage next time!
February 16, 2009 at 4:47 am
farhan franha
this is a very personal post my friend. i hope you have move on to better things. i applaud your bravery in sharing with us your experiences.
I think the knapp model is somewhat accurate but the order of the coming apart phase is not accurate. Sometimes, there is even a skipping of steps.
Try again bro! Gambatte!!!
February 16, 2009 at 4:54 am
adrxuan
aiya! wasted!
That girl must have spend some time waiting for u to do something!
can you imagine if you see her outside with another guy??
but i somehow understand the tough choices that you have to make(?)
i think you’re unsure of yourself then….more self-confidence man!
February 16, 2009 at 10:55 am
MavericK
@James: Hey! Join me!!
@Gem: You speaking from experience? (definitely not trying to be sarcastic here!) Well, logically speaking, things will be like what you say…but then again, I don’t think matters of the heart follow any set logic…but who am I to speak!?
@Farhan: If this managed to lighten up anyone’s mood, why not? What’s past is past anyway…though tinges of regret sometimes occur. Haha
Order inaccurate? You mean for my case? Care to elaborate? As the old Chinese saying goes: 旁观者清 (How to translate this huh…all is clear to the eyes of the onlooker…? Think there’s an English saying as well…)
@Xuan: I don’t need to imagine then. She was soon with another guy. Wahahaha!! But things after this got even more complicated (for her), but I’m not in the right position to share anything. 😀
And you can understand the tough choices I had to make…? Lol…even I dunno what choices to make then… 😛
Thanks for the encouragement (or teases) so far. Hah! 🙂
February 16, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Olivia
LOL, BRAVE SOUL. Oh man, your sacrifice for this course is totally huge, and I applaud you *claps*
Yeah well, there isn’t a real standard rule in relationships, so skipping some should be fine. People shouldn’t go about relationships with the thinking that the next step for the relationship should go in which way, etc. It should be a natural process and not something rigid that everyone has to adhere to. So fear not, its normal (though skipping from stage 3 to 9 is super extreme).
And I agree that the 10 stages shouldn’t just apply to couples. Friends and family are all some of the most important people around us and communication with them is important too!
February 16, 2009 at 3:17 pm
Elena
Ahahaha~ (so sorry to start the comment with laughter..) A VERY interesting post on relationship stages. I shall applaud you for rephrasing those difficult communication terms into what you called ‘the cavemen language’…Love it!
Hmmn…Not really a good experience, eh? But your experience is the perfect example to describe how some people deal with their relationship in reality. A theory is only a theory after all. Reality is different from theory. I had this friend whose experience with girl is almost the same as yours, even worse I think. At least you manage to confess to the girl… Okay, he did confess as well but, um…you get the picture. So, he jumped from the 2nd stage to the 9th stage which of course, resulted in ‘contract termination’…
I totally agree on your opinion about these stages are applicable to other interpersonal relationship as well. I think you’re the fist person so far (from all the blogs I have read anyway…) that actually mentioned the other form of interpersonal relationship.
Great job! Thumbs up for ya…
February 17, 2009 at 3:33 pm
moonprincess87
I agree that intensifying is the most important stage as well! It is a stage where the parties in an interpersonal relationship get to know each other better and yes it does not just apply to couples.
I believe that in any relationship, be it between friends or couples or families, communication is a must as it will help one to better understand the other party and also to lessen miscommunication and conflicts.
February 19, 2009 at 6:31 am
Waine
Wow, thanks for your personal sharing. Haha, it’s kinda of inspiration how actually crush and infactuation develop and from there the different stages set in.Indeed ur cute application has reminds me of how close friends and guy friends of mine started. Haha I think I might wanna talk abt my life too..hahah…Maybe abt someone special Hahah.
February 19, 2009 at 6:58 am
les.
fwah. haha. firstly i admire your courage of writing such a personal post. i myself probably wouldnt have the guts to do it. two thumbs up!
i guess this ties in with communications losing ‘the human touch’ with the improvement of technology, aka ‘sms’. you’d probably have had a different reaction, if you had confessed to the girl face-to-face. of course, this, is hypothetical.
yea i agree that intensifying is the most crucial stage of courtship. i mean, if there isnt anything to intensify, how can there be a future, right?! if there’s no ‘intensify’, i guess it’d be better for you to remain as friends. the first 5 would probably be able to be manifest itself in friendship/kinship as well, but i cannot agree that the latter 5 can be applied in family relations. after all, there are no 隔夜仇s between family members, right? (for the chinese illiterate, it means there are no feuds that will last for a day.)
i hope i’m making sense as well. 🙂
February 22, 2009 at 2:22 pm
legongsimihuh
so… there seemed to be a reciprocal of feelings… that’s one good thing that came out of the whole thing. but it does take guts to maintain a relationship… god knows love is anything but easy 🙂 so what could motivate someone to take a step further?
February 23, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Shawn Tay
i simply love the honesty and candor of your post maverick.
in addition to you relabeling ah Knapp’s stages making it so relative to what some of us might have experienced.
to be honest, i don’t know what i should comment on here but i can only say that there’s a first time for everything and there was your first time.
we all work about the stages in our own ways. i believe some of us don’t even follow certain steps but that’s maybe just me.
i’ll try to keep in context with regards to you and that is
you’re superman.
you should only be afraid of kryponite. not girls. not lois lane included.
March 22, 2009 at 11:19 am
Kelvin
Honestly if it wasn’t for some interesting happenings last year, I’d probably have joined you in a personal experience sort of topic. Love life wise at least you know what are some of the things you should/shouldn’t be doing yea? =) I’m sure bearing those in mind the next time will definitely be much better yea?
I feel that Knapp’s model doesn’t really correspond to the ongoings in a family relationship, as you’d probably have to do something real bad to ensure termination with say your parents. Parents are noble in the sense that they are always willing to forgive their children regards of the crime. So take heart that there’s always people around that care!