To start off!….

To some of you who are reading this, you may think this is a narcissistic post.

No matter. To start things off, I’ve decided to write a self-bashing confession about myself.
And of course, it has something to do with communication! I mean…it has to be!!

I am a horrible communicator.
There, I said it. Hurray for me.

Anyway, I’ll go in depth about the many failures of communication in my life.
Writing freestyle here, so there’s no particular order of importance or whatsoever.

I’m a very shy person, almost like a clam. I do not open up unless I’m placed under/on fire. I always try to hide ‘on the seabed’ where I think would be difficult to spot me.
But then again, people who know me a little better will have a very different thing to say, but I’ll get there later.
So when I’m hiding in my ‘shell’, I would practice self-communication. (I do not know if there’s such a term or not, but yeah, let me be the first to use it if it’s such a case) While people like to sleep or stone when they are alone and have nothing to do, I prefer to think to myself, on the various happenings in my day.

“Did I say something wrong? He/She didn’t look quite happy after that conversation.”
“Damn, I think I overdid things. They must be thinking I’m an attention-seeker now.”

OK, guess you can say I’m too concerned over how people think of me all the way, but it only happens when I’m all alone, like say, on the MRT. (?!?! I take the MRT everyday!!) And with such questions, I always give negative feedback to myself, which all can be summarized into 4 words:
“Dude, you’re so screwed!”
Hey! Pessimism! I can work on that later!!

Still on the topic of my shyness, I shall use today as an example.
I was on my way to SIM, with the outside world blocked by the chain of music playing from my mp3 player. As I alighted from the MRT at Clementi, there I saw Lynette, a fellow Comm student. So what do I do?
Walked behind her, and was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. (Moment of self-comm: What the hell are you doing? She gonna eat you up or something!? Counter-point: But what if she ignores you when you greet? Cry in shame?)
So during the bus ride, I was thinking of ways to greet her. I mean, we are going to be in the same school, studying almost the same things, and I do not have the intention of ignoring everyone for the whole of 3 years. And upon reaching, all I did was had a goofy look on my face and gestured a wave (it could have been a fist for all I know…can’t remember). And it was reciprocated.
Hey…nice one there! You didn’t lose any limbs in the process!!
OK, so on our way to level 4, I got to introduce myself and yeah, I tried to start short conversations. And being the failure that I am, they were really short indeed and buzzes of silence were here and there. (Sorry Lynette, for the awkward silence.) Nevertheless, I got to know a new friend (it can be considered as so…can it?)!
I’m still hoping to get to know more people from our intake…so hope nobody ignores me when I try to greet or something.

So~communication is basically a fundamental factor in building interpersonal networks. Like what they always say, it takes two hands to make a clap. If the communication game is only played by one, you’ll probably get a painful slap instead. So have more guts, and initiate the ‘game’ with people, even if no response is resulted! At least you got to ‘slap’ the other party. (Note: This is actually written for myself…some sort of self-condolence)

Most(!) of the time, I tend to think of the others before myself. (Wah, so buay hiao bye! -Believe many are thinking of this right now) And as a result, I end up on the losing end. Quoting another example from today…

Following a trend, I was on the same bus with the usual group of people: Joyce, Gem, Elaine and Zhi Ning. Having boarded the bus, the ladies were standing at the space and chatting, but I couldn’t join them as I would have blocked the walkway if I had stood with them. And so, the ladies were in the middle of the bus happily engaged in their conversation, while I sat with a dirty old man at the back of the bus.
Then comes the thought: Was it so desirable to be able to chat with them?
From my experience, it is not the content of the conversation that matters most, but the act of engaging yourself into that very conversation. Every word you share is akin to adding a stone to a bridge linking the partner and you. (Of course, when you say something offending, the bridge will probably be blown up) So certainly, you miss a chance to form a bond with someone when you choose to leave yourself out of a conversation with him/her.

But did you know a person’s impression of you can sour as well under such a situation?

I never liked to sit when taking public transport. Not because the seats are dirty or anything like that, but at my age, there is definitely someone who needs the seat more than I do. Recalling the experience I had during my days of secondary and tertiary education, many times I was with a small group of friends  in the MRT and a row of seats would become available. And everytime, all except me went for one. They urged and urged for me to take the empty, but I refused firmly. One or two of them would then comment that I was ‘antisocial’ which I took as a tease everytime, but apparently from then after, I was always the lone ranger walking behind the same chattering groups.

Due to prejudices, some people may bear very extreme judgment on such simple acts. Even though it may be the circumstances which drive you to behave as such. (Or probably, I have been hanging out with the wrong group of friends)
And so, to my friends reading this, most of the time it’s not because I do not wish to speak to you. I would very much like to crap and ‘talk cock’ with the people I know, and I’m just too easily compelled to do what I think is the right thing (the matter of being too self-conscious comes in again).

PESSIMISM! Right, I’m a pessimist. Any friend who knows me long enough will also know that I bear not much hope in almost everything I do or have.
Case in point, during my army days, I got to have the chance of going through basic airgrading training. However, I had never thought I would become a pilot, even though I very much liked to. Reason being because I was informed that I had minor airsickness and that there may not be enough time for me to overcome it. Oh well~
Another case in point,  I have an absurd dream. (You see, by the word ‘absurd’, I’m kind of like contradicting myself…am I) Or I should say I have an interest in……voice-acting. (Cue to laugh here!!) I really like the idea of becoming a voice-actor, but not once have I answered this to anyone face-to-face when asked about my ambitions/dreams.
I’m too affected by the predictions I make about the reactions from the people around me. For example:
“*Gag* You stupid or what!? Dun earn money one leh!!”
“Aiyo~ why so childish~? Want to become cartoon huh~?”
Sometimes, I regard myself as more of a realist than pessimist.

Sadly, due to the lack of communication regarding this particular subject, the people don’t get to know my answer, and in turn I don’t get to know the true reactions of them.

There’s also a ‘philosophy’ I believe in which I can say, contributes to my pessimism.
The greater your expectation of things, the greater the sense of rejection when it fails.
Don’t you agree? (Note: This does not apply to everything I do. Notice the ‘almost’ above in bold?)

So basically, as a human, at least 2 of the 四大天王 (Idols) affecting my thinking are particularly strong. Idols of the Tribe would refer to my shyness, and Idols of the Theatre would refer to my second case about my pessimism.
Even in normal casual conversations, I can only act goofy and such, as I simply cannot think come up with decent ideas to start one on. I lack the logos to talk on a particular topic, use the inaccurate ethos when conveying the message, and definitely fail terribly at pathos.
My perception of things is rather extreme, and I’m far too pragmatic to try anything new (I resist change a lot – not talking about money here). And I think by now you should have noticed, the ‘frequency’ my brain is on differs greatly from that of the average person.

To put it simply, 僕はダメな人間です。

HOWEVER!! Do not see me any differently as what you have for the past 2 weeks or longer. I do not wish for a change in attitude towards, I’m just hoping you can understand where I coming from when I do certain things which may be unpleasant to you.
And to end things, I wish to apologise to anyone who felt uneasy or uncomfortable reading this, and to those whose names I have mentioned, let me know if you want your names taken off, ya?